Crossing Swords

⭐6.0(39 votes)

•2020

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Episodes

1. Pilot

Young Patrick dreams of earning his knighthood and dispensing justice to evildoers. He’s driven by his goodhearted, earnest nature, but also by guilt: his own siblings are some of the land’s most notorious crooks. However, when Patrick finally lands a coveted squire position at the royal castle, his dream job quickly turns into a nightmare.

2. Hot Tub Death Machine

Patrick’s excitement to start his new squire job is quickly dampened when he is placed in charge of deciding who to execute as part of King Merriman’s publicity stunt. While Patrick struggles between pleasing the King and staying true to his anti-death penalty morals, Coral and Ruben campaign for the high profile role of executee…They don’t want to be executed, but it’s an honor to be recognized.

3. What’s Kraken?

When Patrick scores highly coveted tickets to a Kraken watching cruise for his parents, he sees an opportunity to impress his hard-to-please father. The gift blows up in his face when the cruise is hijacked by a radical protest group and his parents are taken hostage. Now Patrick must stop the hijacking at any cost, even if it means making a deal with the devil.

4. In the Line of Squire

As a string of high-profile assassinations rock the kingdom, the headstrong and petulant Princess Blossom returns home from school to attend a giant music festival. Patrick is stuck as her one-man security detail. Guarding the mischievous teenager gets even more difficult when the assassin strikes the festival, and Patrick realizes he’s truly in over his head.

5. Let Them Eat Clown

Patrick is thrilled to escort King Merriman to a charity golf retreat, only to arrive and find out it’s actually the Chill Society, an annual bacchanal where rival kings meet to divvy up power and party their faces off. Patrick is shocked at his look behind the curtain, especially when he’s exposed to both a dark royal secret and a Chill Society custom that threatens to kill one of his own family members.

6. My Super Sweet Period Party

As the only uncut squire, Patrick is horrified to learn that he will need to undergo a circumcision to keep his job. Meanwhile, as Blossom celebrates the arrival of her first period, she learns that she will soon be forced into a chastity belt, taking away her opportunity to lose her virginity to her beloved boyfriend Keefer. She enlists Patrick to help make her Super Sweet Period Party everything she wants it to be. Together, the pair suffers the pains and obligations of growing up.

7. Look Who’s Stalking

Fed up with a string of bad investments that have led the kingdom to bankruptcy, King Merriman throws out a pot of “magic beans,” which quickly grow into a giant beanstalk. Seeing an escape from his responsibilities, Merriman climbs the beanstalk with Patrick pursuing him. They find a beautiful kingdom in the clouds, a society of peace, sharing and kindness—a perfect new realm for Merriman to dominate and ruin. Patrick has to return the King to the surface before he destroys the cloud kingdom— and before the beanstalk is chopped down and they’re stranded forever.

8. The Snow Job

When a deadly plague sweeps through the Kingdom, Patrick accompanies the royal family north to stay safe, isolated in an icy ski lodge. While the family makes it to the lodge, Patrick finds himself trapped in an ice castle with a Yeti, who happens to be an agoraphobic hoarder. Patrick tries to help the Yeti overcome her issues as, back at the lodge, King Merriman finds a surprising challenger for his title of Alpha Male…Patrick’s father, Glenn.

9. The A-Moooo-Zing Race

The assassin has orchestrated the kidnapping of Princess Blossom, and a Minotaur holds her captive in its maze. Now the King and Queen must abdicate the throne, or their daughter will be eaten by a monster. Patrick and a host of fellow adventurers— including his own siblings—must brave the labyrinth and its traps in order to slay the Minotaur and retrieve the Princess.

10. Unchained Monarchy

Patrick returns to the castle with the rescued Princess Blossom only to find it under siege. The minotaur maze was only part of the assassin’s devious plan, and Patrick comes face-to-face with the force that has been terrorizing the kingdom all season: the devious assassin. With the royals imprisoned, Patrick must rely on his family and friends to help him defeat the assassin and save the realm from those conspiring to overthrow the monarchy.

Overview

Goodhearted hero wannabe Patrick lands his dream job as a squire, only to learn the royal castle is a corrupt hornet’s nest of horny monarchs, crooks and charlatans. War, murder, full frontal nudity—who knew brightly colored peg people led such exciting lives?